Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize