The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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