um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
