Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
