i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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