he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
