do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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