I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
