one might say we're banned from that church
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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