wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
