weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
