are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
