my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
