So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
