I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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