...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
