we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
