Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
