So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
