Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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