I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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