Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
