I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize