I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm too high and old for this...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
