Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
