I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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