the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
