can u get pink eye on your cock?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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