I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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