Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
