I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
