I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
