hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
