He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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