I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
