She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize