I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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