Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
