Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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