his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
