she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
