His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
