When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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