good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
