We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so explain again why im purple
no
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
