I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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