I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
