I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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