We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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