why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
