it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
