$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
