Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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