well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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