I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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