I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
