Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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