I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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