Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
