so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
