bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
