chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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