So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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