Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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