Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
